Up All Night (Sleep All Day)

Why can’t I get a good night’s sleep? Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights this week I fell asleep watching TV and woke up around 2 in the morning to “go to bed”. The problem is that I can’t just go to sleep after being fully awake for ten minutes as I go through the motions of getting ready for bed. After I lay back down my mind starts running like Jackie Joyner-Kersee* on crack. To see the orb that is my cranium picture the stereotypical “Times Square” style news ticker. The only difference in my head is that there are about ten of them and they figure out the most worthless things to print. It is not unusual for me to be up at least an hour before I fall back asleep.

The only thing worse than these fits of brain spasms are the commercials by Lindsay Wagner for the Sleep Number Bed. Lindsay, please hear this, I don’t give a fuck that your sleep number is 35. Generally speaking, I don’t take advice about any part of my life from someone whose claims to fame include “Fighting for My Daughter” or “Frog and Wombat”. I am sure it is great to be able to dial your bed any way you want to, but I can’t get into it. I sleep on a futon and love it. I still haven’t figured out why all these couples have trouble finding a bed they like (although if you want a bed that can be jumped upon without a glass of red wine spilling then yes, that can be a touch difficult).

*Back when I was a junior in college my genius alma matter decided to give Jackie Joyner-Kersee a chance to speak at the graduation of the class in front of me. While one might think this would be unique, well-written or even inspiring- it wasn’t. Most people agreed that she was the worst commencement speaker that had ever heard. So, if you need someone to talk to a group don’t hire Jackie, a syphilis-ridden homeless man will have better life insight