Online Dating- Not Just For Losers and Serial Rapists Anymore

The other day I canceled my Match.com subscription. I guess I didn’t feel like it was worth twenty-two dollars per-month. After all that cash could go to better things like paying down credit card debt or Oreos. I know the women in my town are sobbing to themselves that I am off the Match market, but don’t worry, I am still here. In fact, I will be in a bar not talking to you very soon. But, I have not given up on the online dating. I may look for someone over at eHarmony.com next, that would be a fucking blast. Before I leave the Match world I would like to share you with some of the insight offered up by the profiles and quotes of the ladies that were kind enough to email or “Wink” at me.

Her insight:

“I'm definitely looking for a swing dance partner, so if you know the basic steps, and you love dancing, maybe we can get together and cut a rug.”

My thoughts:

You’re right, that sounds great. There are few things I enjoy more than skipping going out to get drunk because swing dancing is on the agenda. I can’t wait to be Fred Fucking Astaire for the night and hold you awkwardly in my arms.

Her insight:

“My friends have described me as thoughtful, fun, and creative.”

My thoughts:

My guess is that they have also described you as a man, because you look like one in the photo. There have to be some grooming issues if the best picture you could find makes is a dead ringer for Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf Too.

Her insight:

“I want someone who can make me laugh and believes that the little things in life can be just as meaningful and important as the big things (i.e...a little note wishing me a good day...just a phone call to say hi and that's it....a smile from across the bar when we're out with friends...you get the picture!!).”

My thoughts:

That’s a lot of work considering I don’t want to talk to you. But, you’re right. The big things in life like my paycheck and donating to the victims of Katrina are just as meaningful as smiling to you from across the bar.

Her insight:

“Right now I'm looking for someone to have a good time with who is open to the possibilty of falling in love. (No commitments unless, of course, we sweep each other off our feet! Wouldn't that be great?!)”

My thoughts:

Yes! Almost as great as going to jail for a year and being sodomized by Tyrone and his bitch Stevie on a daily basis.

Her username:

Softsuppleone

My thoughts on said username:

Why not just post a picture of some “horsies”, troll dolls, teddy bears and be done with it?

Her insight:

“I'm a true-blue Cancer, sometimes moody, always generous, often lazy, seldom restless.”

My thoughts:

I don’t give a fuck what your sign is. Get off your lazy ass and write something that makes sense outside of a Darwin’s Creek chat room. I know you are challenging yourself by picking up the difficult Harry Potter series, so I don't want you to tax ye olde' noggin too hard.