I Wanna Rock (Rock!)

Few things are as difficult as air guitar. I play the instrument, along with a mean air bass and air drums (my Tommy Lee drumstick toss up at the end of a song is always on time), but the air guitar is a challenge song after song. Obviously first you have to pick your axe. Mine generally is a Fender Strat, I just like that old-time feel. The prime spot for practicing ones technique is in a room where no one can see you. Unfortunately my den is next to a large wall of windows that face a church and people walk only a few feet below the bottom of the window. I believe several people have probably seen me play in my underwear, an unfortunate event for everyone involved. Still, I enjoy cranking up the tunes. If you are reading this and thinking about playing air guitar for the first time please let me dispense the following recommendations for trying your style.

AC/DC, Back in Black: “Dunh, dunh-uh…du na na.” Yes these crunching sounds of guitar are the way to go if you want to become an air guitar virtuoso. There is a rhythm and lead guitar that are both fun, but obviously if you want to rock there is no part to play but Angus Young’s (the school boy uniform is optional). If someone is singing please make sure that they don’t pull a Bon Scott and kill themselves during your rock fest.

Def Leppard, Photograph: Part rock, part pop and all ass kicking, Photograph is a tour-de-force of another five-piece band breaking through. This is one of those songs where it is OK to perform Joe Elliot’s vocals while rocking out. “All I’ve got is a photograph…its not enough.” To fully complete the song it is recommended that you copy the video by having a torn Union Jack t-shirt, a Marilyn Monroe look-alike and perform the song in an abandoned (but well-lit) warehouse.

Def Leppard, Pour Some Sugar On Me: “Hit me like the bomb, baby come on get it on.” The dueling licks on this song are impressive, but not as impressive as seeing the Leppard “in the round”. For those kids of you out there, DL used to have a gigantic stage that stood in the center of an auditorium or stadium and rotated throughout the show so that everyone enjoyed an Elliot’s-eye view. I would really advise that you let go on this one and rock out on the bridge.

Guns ‘N Roses, November Rain: While this song isn’t a complete ass-kicker, the guitar solo is first-rate. This is Axl Rose’s homage to feeling pain and he does in typical GNR style. While the beginning is a soft piano-heavy kick off, it moves on. The highlight is Slash going to town in the middle of a field outside of a small church. He lets his freak flag fly by dialing every sound he can and at the end we slowly hear Axl ask, “Don’t you think that you need somebody, don’t you think that you need someone?”

Scorpions, Rock You Like A Hurricane: These crazy Germans wanted to not only rock you, they wanted to rock you like a natural disaster that leaves thousands dead and causes millions worth of property damage- that is brining the pain. The guitars howl, but you don’t need a cage filled with women and an alien life pod like the video. All you need to do is “speilen dienem Guitar” and rock the fuck out. As Klaus Meine said, “the bitch is burning, she needs to kill.”

Van Halen, Panama: “We’re riding a little bit hot tonight.” Spandex is the material of the day if you want to do Van Halen. Again, this is part singer and part guitarist as playing David Lee Roth is even more fun than being Eddie Van Halen. Case-in-point: After he left VH the DLR released the album “Skyscraper” with its hit single Just Like Paradise. The video showcased him rock climbing as he sang (I am sure there were some groupies to service Roth after he was done with his workout). Back to Panama, Eddie’s driving guitar riffs on this song show that even though his music sucks now, it used to be cool to like Van Halen.

Warrant, Cherry Pie: Ah, Warrant. While the group did have three official hits (Cherry Pie, Heaven and Down Boys) I still classify them as a good representative of the power ballad/hard rock combination (if you are wondering, Down Boys is removed to fulfill that equation). Any song that starts with the words “Dirty, Rotten, Filthy Stinkin’” has to be good. Apparently the vagina of Bobbi Brown, the chick playing with the fire hose and various red items in the video, was indeed good enough to “put a smile on your face, ten miles wide” because singer Jani Layne started banging her (don’t ask me how I know this). How can you not playing some mean air guitar to this song?! The way Layne wants us to believe that this woman makes him think things like “I scream, you scream, we all scream more” let us know that this pie is not ordinary, it is, in fact, cherry.